The Gospel of Hearing Aids

This story is from my previous blog:

I’m sitting in my car at a stoplight. The peaceful wait for the green light is disrupted by a low bass rumble. The rumble increases exponentially as a low-riding pimpmobile with glittering, spinning rims bounces closer and closer. BOOM! BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! This monstrosity on wheels rolls to a stop beside me, all windows down. The driver bobs his head in slow motion, keeping time with the soul-pounding beat of rap.

I seethe for a few seconds as the heavy bass vibrates every bone in my body. The bobbing epitome of coolness is oblivious to the disgusted looks aimed his way. I open my door and walk over to him. He looks at me and smiles, certain I share his discriminating taste in music.

Leaning forward, I shout, “I USED TO LISTEN TO LOUD MUSIC!” as I pull my hearing aids off and shove them under his nose. Wide-eyed shock replaces his smile. “TAKE A LOOK AT THESE! YOU’LL BE WEARING THEM IN A FEW YEARS, TOO!”

The spell of coolness broken, he lowers the volume and I walk back to my car. I smile, satisfied I’ve done my Good Deed for the Day.

Seen, but not Heard

This story is from my previous blog:

Normal hearing children that grow up with a hard of hearing (HOH) parent naturally adapt to the parent’s hearing loss; from an early age, both of my children muted the television, turned off music, and made sure I could see their lips before they attempted to speak to me. Sometimes I felt just a little bad that “talking to mommy” required more work than talking to other people.

But that was BEFORE Super Hearing Boy (SHB) became a teenager.

SHB gradually came into the realization that he could take advantage of my lipreading ability and USE IT AGAINST ME. And do it in a subtle, sneaky manner… and make me look like I’ve gone berserk! How is this possible?

I’m at the piano, rehearsing with the band at church after potluck, and glance over at SHB. He’s staring at me, trying to get my attention without any of the guys noticing. The instant I look at him, he starts moving his lips without making a sound. The sight of his moving lips puts me in an almost hypnotic trance and I’m compelled to lipread until his lips are still. I shake my head to indicate “no” and his lips move again. Finally, I stop playing, and say firmly, “No, I am NOT going to drive you home now and come back here to finish rehearsing! Just sit tight for another half hour and stop arguing with me!”

The guitarists and drummer are silenced by my outburst.

Guess who looks like a raving lunatic and who looks calm and composed?

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

Like most hard of hearing people, I have difficulty locating the source of a sound.  In a meeting with several people, I must scan faces for moving lips to identify the speaker.  When inanimate objects make noise, it’s almost impossible for me to locate the source of the sound:

It was quiet in the Learning Resource Center. Two students were taking a test when a loud POP pierced the silence.  Was that a gunshot?!  Instantly, the bullet-ridden windows of the public library branch where I used to work flashed into my mind.  I was ready to dive onto the floor, but the two test-taking students looked totally calm and unconcerned. 

Me:  “What was that noise?”                                                         

Student:  (laughs)

Me:  “What’s so funny?”

Student:  “You really don’t know?”

Me:  “No, I don’t!”

Student:  “It was your water bottle.” (laughs again)

As I stared at my half-frozen water bottle a few inches from my side, it popped again. 

Yes, I have a Master’s degree.  I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs.  The student needed more than a little convincing that day that I wasn’t drunk, high, or otherwise incapacitated.  Tell me, who needs drugs or alcohol when you have ears like mine?

The Vision

I know a couple of people who don’t require alarm clocks to wake up in the mornings.  I’m not one of them.  My journey to find the ultimate alarm clock was a long one spanning a few decades.  I love my alarm clock, but the manufacturer really should include the following statement in the owner’s manual:  Caution - may cause users to see into the future.

Like most people, my first “alarm clock” was my mother waking me up in the mornings.  Wanting more independence, I graduated to a wind-up alarm clock with a 15-20 second ringer.  With only a small window of time to hear the clanging noise, it was hit or miss.  Then I got a radio alarm clock, thinking that if I set it to a rock station, surely, I’ll be able to hear the heavy bass and drums.  But even rock radio stations have female announcers with soft voices and slow songs playing at times. 

My hearing deteriorated further in my early 40s, and a test determined I had very little residual hearing in my left ear.  If I was sleeping on my right side when the alarm went off, I simply didn’t hear it.  Every night, I went to bed fearful that I wouldn’t hear the alarm and would be late for work.  After running late and eating breakfast in my car one too many times, I realized it was necessary to get out the big guns.  I scoured the Internet, reading up on alarm clocks for the deaf and settled on one that could almost wake the dead: the Sonic Alert. 

The Sonic Alert boasts the capability of awakening sound sleepers and the deaf with a bed shaker, an adjustable tone, and flashing light.  Thinking to take advantage of all three, I tested it and it seemed the gently vibrating bed, customizable tone, and slowly flashing light would be the ideal combination to awaken me from deep slumber.  I set the alarm and went to sleep, confident I would awaken on time.

At 6:30 the next morning, my alarm went off, exactly as planned. But what I didn’t count on was feeling that the greatest event ever was no longer future, but was taking place RIGHT NOW!  I was exhilarated because I was certain Jesus was returning at that very moment. After all, I was feeling the great earthquake, hearing the low tones of thunder, and seeing the bright flashing light!  (Rev. 16:18)